How to be a professional footballer even if your terrible...

The answer is...be Brazilian. I know that may be difficulty for those people who live in Nepal or Eastern Siberia but there is sound reasoning in my idea. Be Brazilian means people gain a pre-ordained conception of you...you must be good at football. Brazilian Footballer is like French Chef, Tibetan Monk, German Engineer, Swiss Banker, Mexican Drug Dealer, Pakistani corner shop owner etc. It's one of those countries that just goes with a profession. For clubs having a Brazilian on your team is a sign of quality, a sign that you are a good team as a Brazilian has chosen to play for you and of course all Brazilian are good at football. Many signing of Brazilians good or bad has not just been down to there talent but because the owners want a Brazilian in there team. Robinho was signed for Man City for two reasons a) because he is an incredible player, certainly one of the best in this decade and b) because he is Brazilian and Man City's new owners wanted to show there intentions by buying a Brazilian as this would make there team look good.

"That'll be £32.5 million please Mr. Sheikh, Lord, High, Majesty, Sir..."

Though he failed to shine in the Premier League past his first season, Robinho was still a quality player. There are hundreds of Brazilians who play in the Eastern European league's, they aren't very good (though some of them are) but the teams like having them because the fact a Brazilian plays for means of course they are a good team. FC Shakhtar Donetsk of the Ukraine currently have 8 Brazilians in there squads with another one out of loan plus former Arsenal man Eduardo who is Brazilian but plays for Croatia. 

Why has he got braided jelly worms for hair?

Adriano and Marcelo at Barcalona and Real Madrid don't get much playing time for them but they are still Brazilian, but this is different as without them we'd still think of FCB and RMCF as quality teams, but anyway.  So if you dream of being a professional footballer, move to Brazil, take Brazilian nationality, give yourself a nickname preferably beginning with Ro- and ending in -inho, or at least something ending in -o and your almost guaranteed a career as a footballer. Simple as.